Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Writer's Benefit

I write both on paper and on my computer.

I used to just do it ONLY on the computer but now I’ve begun to do a lot of it on paper.

We’ve become so accustomed to our computers and smart phones coming with automatic spell check (even though some people ignore that little red line) that when it DOES come time to put pen to paper we’ve really forgotten how to spell.

I’m guilty of going to Google and typing in a word just to make sure I was spelling it correctly, or typing it into Word and having them check it for me.

Putting pen to paper has reinforced the spelling talents I had back in grade school (yes, I went far in the Spelling Bee competitions, lol). I’m being forced, a good thing, to actually look at a word that I’m unsure of and sound it out and even think on it to come up with its correct definition.

Also, putting pen to paper is so much more personal than texting and emailing. It means that someone took their time to actually sit down, find some paper and a pen and express their thoughts and feelings to you. Personal letters are becoming extinct but I’m going to keep them alive.

Remember when it was cool to have a pen pal? You couldn’t wait to tell them about what was going on with you and then you’d anxiously wait for their return letter in the mail? Well, one of my best friends could be called my pen pal. We haven’t seen each other since we first initially met back in 2002. We keep in touch through long emails and long letters. It’s a great feeling to sit down and write her a letter.

Oh and it doesn’t hurt that I adore my own handwriting. It makes writing out "thank you" cards that much more fun. Esp. when I use a color sharpie and not just a regular pen.  I had a guy at the post office watch me write out an address and asked me if I was a teacher. I told him I was and asked him how he knew. He said I had the handwriting of a teacher, nice, neat and very legible and easy to understand. The lady behind the counter agreed and said she wished I could write out addresses for everybody b/c some people come in with handwriting they themselves probably couldn’t read.

Boy, if that were a REAL job, I’d definitely take it

Monday, March 28, 2011

Love and Hate Relationships

I have a love and hate relationship with quite a few of my personality traits. What amplifies these relationships is that these traits are here for an eternity, they're not going ANYwhere no matter how many times I try to change. I've actually given up trying to change and will tell people who have issues with it, "You know me, or you say you do, you should know this is just how I am"
They are but aren't limited to:
  • being overly emotional
  • being overly sensitive
  • my inability to get (and stay) mad
  • being too nice to the undeserving
  • caring too much
  • treating people the way I want to be treated
  • having detailed and intimate dreams
Now, don't get me wrong, these are all WONDERFUL characteristics to have and I do love having them until I get overly emotional or too sensitive about something really petty or something NOBODY else would understand. Until I start hating how someone can hurt my feelings and within 24 hours I've forgiven them and gone back to loving them. Until people start taking advantage of my generosity, or when I can't STOP caring about someone who has obviously stopped caring about me. Being nice and treating people the right way when they treat me like crap. Having these dreams and not being able to act on them for whatever reason.

And then I go back to loving these traits when I see that people appreciate them.

It really is a never ending cycle.

So, in essence, I have a love/hate relationship with my personality. This is just who I am and though I don't like it at times, I've accepted that I will never change.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

3 Years Old

*this is my most emotional piece yet, I cried myself to sleep this morning when I finished this piece. It was after 3am and I BADLY wanted to call somebody but I didn't want to interrupt any of my friends' sleep. I sobbed uncontrollably until sleep overtook me*

3 Years Old
I looked at my desktop background (which is a picture of my 3 nieces) just now and realized that two of them are the age I was when my daddy (their granddaddy) passed away. That age is 3, my other niece is 5.

I think about their comprehension level and figure that I had that same level when I was that age. I think about how they look at me and probably believe that I’ll live forever because at 3 they don’t know any better. 

They have yet to experience death. {{Well, the 5 year old has, she lost her grandmother last year}}

Which ultimately led me to believe that I had absolutely NO clue what was going on around me when my daddy died. I’ve heard stories about how I almost got left at the daycare and how I only cried because my mama and brother were crying. I’ve seen pictures too. But that doesn’t mean I understood what was going on.

I had no idea that the man I called daddy would be physically gone from me forever. I had no idea that from then on he’d only live in my heart and the hearts of those who knew him.

I can only imagine how my mother explained to me that I’d no longer be able to SEE my daddy and I often wonder what EXACTLY it was that she said to me. How did she start the conversation and when she asked me if I understood, what did I say? 

I’ve yet to ask these questions because I can’t bear to hear the answers. Maybe when I’m 30.

I look at the picture of my 5 year old niece and wonder would I have understood it a bit better had I been 5 instead of 3? Her level of comprehension is more advanced of course but she looks at me the same way the other two do, as if she’s sure that Auntie Ashley will be around forever. 

So I know I looked at my daddy and was absolutely positive that he’d be around forever. 

And now I’m starting to wonder what my mama said to me the first time I asked about my daddy after he’d been buried. Did she remind me of whatever talk we had during the days leading up to his funeral? Or did she simply re-explain the situation to me?

How many times did she actually have to explain the ENTIRE situation to me before I got to the point where I understood and stopped asking about him?

Thinking about these questions bring tears to my eyes and even wondering what answers I got to these questions bring them on.

But the last question I must ask myself is, how would I explain this to MY child if I had to?

Friday, March 18, 2011


I'm finally here!!!

I've had a few friends ask if there was a place for them to go JUST for my writings. There is now!! Right here!!

I have a Tumblr where I post some of my work but I post other things (photos, videos, etc) on there as well so my writings kind of get lost in the mix.

To start off I will be posting pieces I've already written (there are a few of them) and once I'm done I'll start putting up new pieces.

Enjoy and please feel free to comment.

Proud yet Sick of You

Lately {{or should I say after I posted "Life as a 25 year old Virgin}} whenever I make a statement about relationships the rebuttal is ALWAYS "things will change once you start having sex".

Sex complicates things. This I know. For my friends (and random strangers) tell me so. {{To the tune of “Jesus Loves Me”.}}

You might as well have told me that I'm greedy or that the sky is blue (in other words, I didn’t need you to state the obvious).

My issue with this rebuttal though is that it’s more often than not said in the context of "b/c you've waited so long you're going to allow sex to consume you and control your life". Uhm, how the hell do you know that? And who are you to judge me if I do? 

I hate when people talk to me about sex as if they were never virgins themselves. Has it really been that long that you somehow forgot that you were once where I am now?  I also hate when people try to force me to uphold standards they themselves didn’t uphold.  And lastly, I hate when people don’t give me the freedom to pick and choose when I lose my virginity and who I lose it to. It’s not right for you to judge me on my choices when nobody judged you on yours. Okay, so maybe you WERE judged, but you weren’t judged by me which is my point.  I could care less about your sex life and when it started so I want you to not give a f*ck about mine, thanks.
I may be a virgin but I’m not stupid. I’m aware of all the emotions involved with sharing something so sacred with another person. I’m aware of the fact that feelings may arise that I never knew existed afterwards. I’m also aware of the possibility of becoming clingy or addicted.

Would you stay with a cheater? Would you stay with a man who physically abuses you? Are you content with being the other woman or side chick? I can’t say “no” to these and other similar questions without being told “yeah, you get the right dick in you and that will change”. Forgive me but no dick will EVER be good enough to make me stay once you’ve hit me (and lived to talk about it) and no dick will ever be good enough for me to stay if you aren’t treating me right. I will not share my man with a woman I don’t HAVE to share him with so that means it’s a “no” to being a side chick or the other woman (whatever you want to call her). I will never use sex to make a man want to be in a relationship with me. I probably won’t sleep with him anyway if we’re not dating. Which kills his chances of getting some within the first few dates. You wanting to be in a relationship with me will not be because I did something in the bedroom that you enjoyed and want to experience again.

And let’s not get on the topic of the number of sex partners I CHOOSE to have. When I say I will be able to count my number of partners on ONE hand, believe me. 

Why must people constantly tell me that I’m going to be emotionally hurt by whomever I choose to give my virginity to? {{Yes, I say GIVE because at my age, you’re not taking it, I’m willingly giving it to you}}. Who told you that was true? Are you mad b/c the guy who has yours hurt you? Are you feeling guilty because you hurt the woman who gave you her virginity? Either way, why would you wish that upon me? And don’t tell me I’m going to regret my decision down the road. Believe me, I won’t. I’ve kept it this long, there’s no way in hell I’m giving it to some random dude who has not earned it.

Want to know what I love? *sarcasm* How people are SO sure that once I do have sex I’m going to be extremely eager to tell somebody about it. I won’t, I promise. Sure there are some physical tell tale signs that will let those close to me know that my virginity is gone but that’s it. There’s only one person who will EVER know what I do in the bedroom, what’s done to me in the bedroom, whether or not l liked it, etc. Yeah, my diary.
I’ve come to realize, reluctantly though, that people make these assumptions about me b/c they’ve seen other women do them or in a woman’s case, it’s happening to them. Well, guess what, I’m NOT those women. Just because a friend of yours is content with being a side chick doesn’t mean I will be. Your last girlfriend may have allowed you to disrespect her and treat her like crap and was still willing to give you some but I won’t.  You wish you could go back and share this experience with a man who really cares about you. I won’t have to wish that because I’ve waited this long and I know what it’s going to take for me to want to completely open myself up like that to someone. 

So, yes I’m proud to be a virgin but I’m also sick of people throwing their assumptions and theories in my face.

If You Do This, I'm Questioning Your Character

It was suggested that I write a piece on things people do that I don’t like. This should be fun.

I’m not that hard to please and it takes a lot to make me REALLY mad {{actually it’s still a mystery to me about what pisses me off to the point where I react without thinking, post coming soon}}. There are, however, minor things that make me question the character of others, regardless of whether or not I know them.
Because these things irritate me I do my best to make sure I, myself, don't do them. And I don’t. I realized that a lot of these things stem from my motto of “treating people the way you want to be treated”. I can’t help it, that is just how I live my life.

My first piece that consists of a list {{that’s exciting to me for some reason}}

The ungrateful, rude, and disrespectful people of the world
Where is your home training? Oh, that’s right, you probably don’t have any.
            Ungrateful- If someone has done something for you (whether you asked or they volunteered) the LEAST you could do is say “thanks”. Simply because, bottom line, they didn’t HAVE to, even if you did ask. If the result wasn’t the way you’d hoped, still say something along the lines of “thanks, but I’d have preferred if it were done this way”. Or, you could always decline their help and do it your damn self. My favorite motivational speaker, Jonathan Sprinkles, once said “the way you say thank you often determines if the giver will give again”. Yup, that.
Personally, regardless of whether or not you asked, if I do for you it will be done MY way. I will try to consider your way but remember, I AM NOT YOU. If I choose to do for you, it will done my way, on my time.
Rude- That is so unnecessary on so many levels. Did you not learn manners at an early age? Saying “please”, “thank you’, “excuse me”, “I’m sorry”, etc IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT, trust me. I taught children (ages 1 -3) and if I can get them to say the aforementioned phrases why can’t your old behind do the same? It’s ridiculous and what makes it worse is when someone is rude to you, you want to have things out of the ordinary (say a cow, a fit, temper tantrum, etc) instead of realizing that you do it to other people.
Disrespectful- You never know what kind of day the person you’re encountering is having/has had. Your attitude could make them feel better or push them over the edge. Go for the former. If you have an attitude, check it before you speak to someone (even if they’re the reason you have the attitude). Don’t talk to people in a way/tone of voice you wouldn’t want used on you. If you’re mad and need information, your salty attitude is NOT going to get you the information you need. Esp. if it’s ME you’re coming to. Also, you have no right to disrespect me because I don’t think/believe the same things you do. As my favorite painter (SYM1) says “never is the best time to disrespect me”. Yeah, what she said. 

Bad parents
This one should be self explanatory. In the case that it’s not, I’m referring to the people with kids you see that make you want to call DFACS for whatever reason. Yeah, those. Oh, and call me whatever you’d like but I have absolutely no sympathy for women who struggle caring for baby numb. 1 and go out and have more kids. Why on earth would you have another kid when you KNOW you can’t take care of the first one? The excuse “accidents happen” does not work with me in this situation. I’m not saying become celibate until you can take care of your child but you do need to be more careful the next time.

People who do things to others but get mad when the EXACT same thing is done to them
This is simple. If it made YOU mad, sad, etc why in the hell would you do it to someone else? I don’t understand how people can be okay with inflicting a feeling on others that they themselves wouldn’t want inflicted on them. Though it happens, I HATE getting my feelings hurt so in turn, I do just about whatever it takes to NOT hurt other people’s feelings. {{I won’t lie to you though, I’ll just give it to you with a delicious chaser}}

Complainers who have EVERY ability in the world to change their situation but don’t, and KEEP complaining
Apparently you aren’t that bothered by the situation because you have yet to do your part in changing it.  If you’re going to stay in the situation and not do anything about it, you officially lose your right to complain. So shut up. Keep your hurt, disappointed feelings to yourself (or at least away from me).

Certain church people
Every church has these types of people. You know who I’m talking about.

Mistreatment of people who aren’t exactly a size 3
Making fun of someone whose clothes come in a size bigger than yours is not going to keep you in shape, I promise.  

Mistreatment of the elderly
  You’d gladly catch a case if you were to discover that someone disrespected/mistreated your grandmother. So why are you disrespecting/mistreating somebody else’s? Your grandmother wouldn’t approve of your behavior, I’m sure.

Women who fight each other when a man played both of them
He played both of y’all so she feels the same way you do whether she admits it or not. He hurt her too. Get mad at him, not her.

Life as a 25 year old Virgin

This is, so far, the hardest piece I’ve ever written although I was SO sure it would be the easiest. It’s the complete opposite. How hard should it be for me to write about my life as a 25 year old virgin {{emphasis on the word “my”}}? It shouldn’t be hard at all, but *sigh* it is. 

I’ve been a virgin my whole life but this year, well the months between my 25th birthday and my next one, I’ve actually embraced it and sort of, begun to flaunt it more. I’ve always been proud of this but I’ve also felt that {{esp. during my late high school, early college years}} a lot of women think I’m bragging about it. Some have even told me that I think I’m better than women who aren’t virgins by this age. Believe me, I don’t. My sister says that I am better because I’m waiting and they didn’t. Uhm, okay, but I just feel that they made a choice and I’m making one as well. 

Being this age and still having my virginity is not as fun as it seems/looks. Aside from people constantly asking about what I do whenever I get horny or asking me whether or not I masturbate (neither of which are ANY of their business, by the way) you also have those who ask if I’m gay. {{And if you are one of THOSE, I’m not, have never been, never will be.}} Then there are those who try to figure out what it is about me that keeps me from getting a man that either wants it (and for the record I feel some kind of way about my virginity being referred to as “it” but anyway) or has enough game to convince me that they’re “the one”. Game won’t work on me, saying no, in this instance, comes naturally to me.

This, among other things, has made me keep this information to myself for so long. So, why be proud of it and talk about it now, you ask? For the first time in a long time I told someone about it and they responded a lot more positively than I expected. He actually called me an alien and I think by that he meant women like me don’t exist. But, we do, we’re just {{as I like to call us}} an “endangered species”. He told me I shouldn't hide it or be ashamed of it. I agreed.

My best friend called me “pure” once and I laughed. But, he’s right.

I’ll admit that I get this “glad it’s not me” feeling when I hear of or see women who have had to deal with unexpected pregnancies, being judged for having a certain number of partners, etc. I unintentionally hurt some feelings when I asked my friend if she actually thought about what kind of father the man she was sleeping with would be if she were to get pregnant. She didn’t consider it and though she loves her son, she’s not very fond of his father. This feeling also comes when I see women who become attached to a man (or fall in love) ONLY because the sex is good.  Please take note that I’m not judging these women, I’m just “glad it’s not me”. 

I also decided to be more “open” about it when I answered a twitter question about when was the last time I had sex. My answer shocked a high school friend of mine who then kind of put me on blast on twitter (in a good way though). She said that if I have sex before marriage I’d hurt her feelings, lol.  And then I answered a question from Raheem DeVaughn (who follows me) and said “still in possession of my virginity so I can’t say”. To my surprise he RT’d it to his followers which resulted in me getting mentions of how honorable that is and how proud these women (who don’t know me) are of me. I also got mentions telling me to keep it and that I might as well since I’ve waited this long. I even got one from another virgin who’s in her twenties and she said {{because I’m older than she is}} that I give her hope that it’s possible to continue to keep her virginity this far into her adulthood.  

Another reason I don’t like telling people is because they think I’m lying. How am I supposed to prove something like that? Am I supposed to carry a doctor’s note that says “she’s been checked and I confirm that she’s still a virgin” and show it like it's some kind of ID?  All I can tell you is to get confirmation from people who know me. A college friend said that if you talk to me long enough you’ll see that I’m telling the truth about being a virgin. I didn’t (and still don’t) get exactly what she meant by that but okay. And I hate being asked why I’ve waited this long? Does it really matter? I don’t think so but, if you MUST know, for the first 24 years I was on the “I’m waiting until marriage” train. I’m now on the “if the RIGHT man {{and ‘right’ by my standards alone}} comes along” train.

People and their misconceptions of what a virgin is supposed to look, think, and act like make me laugh. I’m supposed to be COMPLETELY clueless about sex and not participate in conversations on it. I’m also not supposed to be proud of having big boobs. Quote from a complete stranger who overheard me conversing with a friend “so what’s the purpose of you being heavy chested when no man has ever been able to enjoy them”. Really dude? That’s the ONLY thing my boobs are good for? I beg to differ. I’ve heard {{from friends}} that I do indeed have an inner freak and I’ve just now realized that they were right. But, I’m not supposed to have one because "you won't know until you've actually had sex" right? I think that thought process is stupid. I’m the exact opposite of what I’m supposed to be as a virgin. I can’t speak on the specifics of sex but I can give you my thoughts on what I WANT to get from it. I’m guessing that big boobs and a large butt (which I don’t actually have, my butt is super small) are to magically appear the day I decide to lose my virginity? Yeah, that’s stupid as well. As far as the freak in me, am I not allowed to dream/think about what I want to happen in the bedroom? The worst thing that can happen with that is for me to at least try it and THEN discover that I don’t like it. 

I enjoy living life free of the stresses/emotions/feelings that come along with sex. If I’m EVER to change my mind about it, it will be MY decision and no business of the rest of the world. I wish to not be judged on this decision because I didn’t judge others on the age they were when they decided to relinquish their virginity. That probably won’t happen but I can still hope. And despite being told that I will be unable to hide the fact that I’m no longer a virgin I will do my best to keep it a secret.

Weirdly Unique

Hello My Name Is: Weirdly Unique

People are always saying {{when describing themselves}} “I’m one of a kind”. Well, honestly, I’ve never said that about myself. However though, I’ve been told that (or something similar) about myself on numerous occasions. Most recently by a male friend of mine when discussing relationships.

I asked him to elaborate and he obliged. Since we were talking about relationships he gave me a list of things that he thinks makes me different from MOST girlfriends which, he said, in turn makes me weirdly unique.  I can’t remember all of them but I will list the ones I can recall.

·         The toilet seat dilemma- maybe I should thank my mama for making me a little sister to a boy and not a girl because I’m not bothered by the toilet seat being left up. My thinking is, if you want him to put the lid back down when he’s done, how come you (as a woman) don’t put it back UP once you’re done? {{TECHNICALLY, it’s fair.}} Or, how much of your time is REALLY spent putting the lid down so you can pee? I mean, it’s not like you’re NOT going to wash your hands when you’re done anyway. If you’re THAT bothered, pinch off some tissue to pull the lid down with or just hope you don’t fall in.

·         He says I release my anger in a healthy way. By healthy he means when I get frustrated I cry (true) and how that’s so much better than yelling, throwing things, etc.  

·       I’m EXTREMELY patient and very forgiving {{of most things}}-his words but they’re true
·         He said “well endowed, no explanation needed”. I laughed and said that I’m not the only well endowed woman in the world to which he said “well you’re uniquely well endowed”…Uhm, okay lol

·         He says because I have two best male friends who have had girlfriends it wouldn’t bother me if my boyfriend had a female best friend (or two).

·         I’m simple and low maintenance-  again, his words, they’re true too though

Another guy I’m no longer friends with said that even when I think I’m being mean I’m still being nice. It’s just not in my nature to be mean no matter how badly I might want to be.

My point is, the older I get, the more I realize that with a lot of things, I’m not like most people my age . Some people say that’s weird, some say that’s unique. I put the two together and came up with “weirdly unique” It’s my gift and my curse.


I shall not uphold any one way friendships this year. It is emotionally draining. {{via my friend Peachez}}

Hahahaa..I feel that way as well.

I'm tired. Not sure what kind of tired I am but I'm tired.

Tired of being in one-sided friendships. Tired of having to be the one to reach out to keep in touch with others who call themselves my friend.
Tired of having to deal with the fact that the only time some people call, text, write on my fbk wall, etc is only AFTER I did it to them. {{I've gotten used to and over those people in the "I only call when I want something" category. Tired of them too though.}}

Tired of loaning my stuff out to people only for them to never return it (that sh*t is about to change, TODAY) or act as if they can keep it since they've had it for so long. From here on out, you have to be pretty damn special in order for me to loan my belongings out to you. And I still might not do it then.

With all of this technology there should be NO way you can't keep up your end of keeping in touch with me. I have a fbk, a twitter, multiple email accounts and most people have my number. So, if I can make time for you then why the hell can't you make time for me?

I don't mean take a 3 day vacation from work and devote all your time to me. Call every once and again to say hi, to see how things are going etc. Don't wait until the holidays and put me on some mass texting list and all you say is "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year" what have you. That is no longer acceptable in my book.

Why must I be the one to maintain friendships and keep them up?

 I ALWAYS answer my phone (unless I absolutely, positively can't which doesn't happen often) and respond to text messages in a timely fashion. I EVEN check and return voicemails. But then there are those people who will see that you called them and decide not to return the phone call/text message. I am about to become that person to some people. I didn’t want it to come to this but it has. Oh well.

And these people always have the audacity to say, when we do talk, "long time no hear"...hmph, wonder whose fault that is.

I talked with my homeboy about this and he told me to stop reaching out to people who don't give me the same respect. Done. He also said some people don't know how to be a friend, don’t realize when they have a true friend, etc. We both agreed that at some point it's a sign of maturity. I told him (and I strongly feel this) that I hit that maturity March 8 of 2010 when I turned 25. I have a lot to work on but I'm definitely not where I was, say 2 years ago.