I Don't Get It

I don’t get it. 

I don’t personally know either of you. You two live in my damn computer. How did I get caught in the middle? 

Yes, you talked with me about the other but the other never mentioned you to me. and I never asked. Not my damn fault.

You and I were becoming good “inside the computer friends”. He and I are good “inside the computer” friends. My e-friendships with both of you are on two completely different levels and I connect with each of you in completely different ways.  and then something that I had no damn parts in has allowed you to stop being my friend. I don’t understand and I’m no longer going to try to understand it either.

I halfway think you thought I wanted him but then I say to myself that you of ALL people know who is climbing the ladder towards my heart. 

I did what I could to comfort you during what happened. I gave you words of encouragement and my motive behind those words was making the situation better for the BOTH of you. 

I didn’t try to get you two together, I didn’t even realize you two were possibly trying to get together until I saw the subtle signs on the social networks. I thought it was cute. 

I never wanted to be in whatever it was you two possibly had going on. I only wanted you two to be and continue to be happy b/c what I saw on the SNs was happiness. 

I want to be sorry that you’re blaming this on me and have stopped communicating with me but I’m not. I didn’t do anything and this is and will be your loss not mine. 

This is why I've started to keep my personal love/extreme like relationships to myself. Things ALWAYS come up when third parties are involved no matter WHO invited said third party. This is why when mutual friends/acquaintances/associates get together I want no parts of it. I’ll be happy for you in the happy moments and will lend my ears for the difficult moments but that’s it. 

It never fucking fails when situations like these go bad. ½ of the relationship stops communicating with me b/c the other half still talks to me. Why is that MY fault? I didn’t ruin the relationship and if we were friends before the relationship we’ll be friends afterwards. I had no parts in how/why the relationship fizzled so why am I being punished?

This is not the first time and I’m halfway positive it won’t be the last. However, this is the last time I give a piece of a care to ppl with the “I can’t be friends with you b/c you talk to whomever” mentality. People like that have gotten way too much of my time already but that’s over and done with

Little Person

I'm feeling REALLY tiny today

Why?

the shirt I have on still fits after having it for a few years

the jeans I have on haven't been worn since 2004 and they're a size 1 (I even have room in them)

the shoes I'm wearing are a size 2 (yeah , you read that right)

I'm Humbled

By all the love I've been getting on my writing.

The fact that I have friends who want to see my work make it into a book was just, I had no words and to top that I have a friend who wants to turn some of my work into short films.

I was rendered speechless. 

It's not that I didn't think my work was good enough, it's just that I didn't know other people saw what I do in my writing. 

I'm really starting to feel like a real writer despite the struggles I've been having to get certain people to read them but I'm over that now. The love I've been getting outweighs that struggle.

I feel bad that I can't exactly remember who read my first story. It's titled Dreams Do Come True and it came from a dream I had. I woke up with the urge to write about it and since I couldn't remember all the details I fantasized about the rest of it and it became a story. It was my first sex related story.

Another story came from me glancing at the BKS's avatar and noticed that he was wearing a tie and came up with Fun on the Job

The first time my stories were referred to as erotic (by someone who'd seen a story via 2tastytongues) I smiled and then a friend of mine called them soft porn. That made me smile but it also made me wonder how people would take my stories being written by a virgin. Would they think a virgin is equipped to write such stories. Oh well if they don't. I know where the ideas come from and it has nothing to do with whether or not someone has been between my legs

I feel as if I can't say thank you enough to those who do enjoy reading my stories but please know I'm deeply grateful and all the love and feedback is very appreciated

Prayer

I’ve been told all my life that when you pray for something you have to have faith that God is going to work it out for you. Well, as a child I didn’t know that meant that the answer from God wouldn’t come within a week after me saying said prayer. Back then I also didn’t know that God’s answer wouldn’t always be what I wanted it to be. 

But I grew up and my faith got stronger.

I now know that God’s answer can be in the form of telling you “No” because He has something better in store for you, it can be in the form of you having to wait for what you asked for, etc. Having to wait doesn’t mean you just sit there waiting on the day God answers your prayer. God making you “wait” is really Him preparing you for what you asked for. 

He’s preparing me now for something I asked for.

True story

I asked God for something I thought I wanted so badly. I prayed and prayed for this thing not realizing that God was telling me “no” in ways other than Him just flat out saying “No, Ashley, this isn’t for you”. His “No” meant he had something better for me (and He did). He was also preparing me to be ready for that “something better”. 

And for that I’m SO thankful.

Weight Loss (for me)

I realize that I'm the type that can eat a lot  and not gain weight. 

However, that doesn't give me the right to continue to abuse this trait. I reluctantly agreed that this "eat whatever I want and not gain weight" thing may not last once I either enter my 30s or give birth

I am more than fairly small for my age, hell my almost 12yo nephew weighs more than I do. but at the same time I'm not in the best shape and I could stand to be healthier. being thin/small does NOT equal healthy or in shape.

So, I came up with a plan of sorts. 

I no longer eat after 6:30pm unless I'm out somewhere and even then it's something light. When I'm home which is almost all the time, if I get hungry at night I eat either some fruit or pop a bowl of popcorn. I also walk the back part of my neighborhood in the evenings.

it's not much but it's better than what I was doing a month ago which was no matter what time it was if I was hungry I ate whatever I wanted.

With this new plan came rapid and unexpected weight loss. and when I say rapid I mean so fast I actually had to stop with the neighborhood walks b/c the pounds were dropping way too fast

see? and that picture was taken about 2 weeks ago. I have since picked up my walking and 3lbs! But just as quickly as those 3lbs came, they left again. :0(

I've also noticed that some of my clothes have gotten a bit too big now. I have 3 or 4 pairs of jeans that used to fit just right around the waist but now, the smallest thing being put in my back pocket (i.e. my cell phone, keys) makes them fall down. and my pj's are starting to fall off my hips too. you may laugh (and I did too at first) but it's kind of sad when you think about it. 


I did NOT plan on this happening, like I don't pride myself on being under 100lbs. Actually the weight range that makes me comfortable is between 103lbs and 106lbs.

I'd like to think I'm in better shape. and with changing my eating times I've slightly altered WHAT I eat.  I eat more salads and I'm SLOWLY getting away from burgers. Don't worry though, my love for french fries isn't going anywhere.  I was never really a junk food/sweets person but I will have the occasional brownie or cupcake. I've unconsciously stopped eating fish and I'm not even sure why that is, I just stopped. I also eat even more fruit than I used to. 

I have always said that diets aren't for everybody (and neither are gym memberships) and that people could possibly lose weight with their own plans if they're serious about it and keep at it.


It works for me (a little too well actually) so I think that someone making and keeping with their own weight loss plan could work for them too





 

I Want This

I want…

a man who comes in second only to God in how well someone outside of my own body knows me

God knows me so well He knows exactly how many hairs are on my head even with some strands falling out daily.

I want a man who knows the rhythm of my heartbeat. One who, with us being chest to chest, can tell my feelings based on its rhythm

a man who picks up on the microscopic things about me that I sometimes don't even notice

a man who can look past that "I'm fine" facade (that I have mastered) and say "no, you're not"
 
that is the kind of man I want

Mutual Friends, Different Friendships

It’s funny, to me at least, how people assume that just because a friend treats them one way that this person treats ALL their other friends the same way.

This could be true, at times, but not all the time.

NOT to say these people are fake, just saying that each of their friendships are slightly different and each friend gets a slightly different treatment

An example (true story)

I spoke a name around a female who blatantly despises who I spoke of. Her response was something similar to “He ain’t gon’ do sh*t because he didn’t with me”. I quickly apologized and said that I wasn’t aware of their situation. But, in my head I was thinking, “that’s YOU. I’m not you, I know how he feels about me and I know what he will and won’t do on account of me”.

this is not the first time someone has assumed I get the same treatment they do from a mutual friend.

I am in no way saying that I’m special, well, when I was a kid Barney told me I was, I’m just saying that you can’t assume you get treated the same way someone else does b/c you and that person are two completely different people.

I don’t treat each person in my circle the exact same way. their treatment is based on various factors which include but aren’t limited to, how long we’ve been friends, what we’ve been through together, etc. More importantly though, their treatment is based on how they treat me.

I’ve asked some of my friends (only if I’ve witnessed a certain treatment) why they treat someone else one way and me another. their answers were pretty much the same, just different words. “It’s how you carry yourself” and/or “I treat you, or try to, the way you treat me” My favorite answer though, which came from a guy, was “I treat you the way you allow me to”

I had another friend text me one day and say “I’m not as special as you are. You’re irreplaceable but I know I can be replaced”. I didn’t really know how to take that considering the conversation we were having. I badly wanted to ask her why she thought that but I knew that actually trying to answer me would hurt her even more than she was already hurting.

that conversation sealed the “people treat you the way you allow them to” deal for me.

Yes Please

I’ve been asked numerous times by a few people, him included, what I want done to me in the bedroom. The first few times I had no idea and would always say that it was up to him.

But then I started to wonder what “it’s up to him” would entail. Because saying that gives him COMPLETE permission to do whatever the hell he wants to me and my body. Would I be prepared for that? Who knows? I sure don’t. 

So I actually started to think. I went to a trusted website and did some research there. I talked to a few friends, not about what it is they do, but sex in general. It was during this time that I realized how much my mind had changed when it came to what I would and wouldn’t do. Or what I would or wouldn’t have done to me.

This is also when I realized that I want to be roughhoused and manhandled in the bedroom.

And now that I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, I have quite a few ideas, most are simple though

Things like wanting to be blindfolded and played with. Pinned against the wall and frisked. Or even tied up, just no handcuffs though. (I don’t want to risk him misplacing the key and being made to stay handcuffed longer than necessary)

I’m small and I enjoy the playful wrestling so getting tossed is on the list as well

There are some things on my list where you’ll just have to know me to understand why I like it and want it to happen

Now when I’m asked or given suggestions, most of the time my answer is “yes please”

Different Sides of People

I saw on Tumblr a post that said there are two sides to everybody, a side that they allow others to see and a side that nobody sees (or something like that)

how true that is

people display on their blogs, fbks, and twitters, etc a side of themselves that they hope will be welcomed by some because they know they won't be welcomed by all

then, once their phones have been turned off, computers shut down and it's just them in their rooms a whole new side of them shows up

a side that they're afraid to put on display for fear of whatever be it being judged, disliked, outcasted, what have you

this doesn't make these people fake, to me, it makes them human

Or, maybe it's just me who's like that

I mean what you see on here, my other blog, fbk and twitter is what you'll get when you actually see me but deep down at my core is someone only I recognize

Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas

I don't know where to begin except to say that it was an experience that I'll never forget. 

Once you've seen a Tyler Perry play LIVE you'll want to see all the rest of them LIVE and wish you'd have seen past ones that way too

I truly enjoyed myself and wish me and the TwinPisces had've camped out somewhere in the CEC so we could see the play again tonight.

TP starts on time. I mean 7:59 the lights were dimming and the curtain was rising

It started with a Christmas carol which immediately won my heart as Christmas music is my absolute favorite

There were some great songs in this one. Though she and I never said anything to each other there was one song that made me think about my daddy and I'm sure one of the other songs (about a mother and daughter) had my best friend thinking about her deceased mother. We gave each other looks but that was it. I almost wanted to cry

We laughed the whole entire time. There were some bloopers which made seeing it LIVE that much better. And you can really see that it's hard to keep a straight face when Tyler Perry turns into Madea.

And say what you want about her, Madea makes some good, no GREAT points when it comes to relationships, trust, love, forgiveness, etc. And maybe it's just me, but when she gets into her "teaching" mode you kind of forget that it's actually a man in a costume. And then I said to myself, Tyler Perry is a wise man.

There was one song that was sung by Tony Grant that made me want to throw a pair of my panties at him.  It also made me put myself in the shoes of the woman he was singing to. 

One of the character's name was China and you KNOW I had a good laugh at that.

When it was over TP came out and talked to us for a while. He told us that we were the first audience to actually see this production (that felt good). He asked where some of us were from and one elderly lady and her family said that they took Greyhound from New York City (people were yelling out cities in Alabama and someone said New Orleans). TP was so shocked he offered to pay for her flight back home. He also had them escorted backstage. She turned down his offer for a flight back to NYC saying she hated flying but I'm sure TP offered to pay for her bus fare back home.

A lot of people say that TP doesn't have that many white fans...yeah right, I saw a lot of white singles, couples and families piling in to see this play

I can't wait until this play is out on DVD. I really wish I could see it again

the Lightbulb is Flickering

so it hit me, my brother is partially to blame for why I love rap music that is so out of my character

songs like

• 8Ball & MJG's whole Coming Out Hard album
• Crucial Conflict's "Hay"
• Tela's "Sho'Nuff"
• The Luniz's "I Got Five On It"
• Do or Die's "Smoke and Ride"
• Do or Die's "Do You Wanna Ride"

and so many others like it. His friends listened to these songs too and I would just ride and listen. My brother isn't a drinker or a smoker either but, like me, his friends are. and I'd just ride while they were doing that too (well not drinking of course)

my friend is always cracking jokes on me b/c I like thugs and he says that looking at me you'd think I wouldn't like songs like these or educated thugs but I do. I love them.

I Miss You

My letter to relationships

Dear Relationship,

I miss you.

I miss being in you.

I miss the companionship.

I miss having someone whose intention is to listen to what bothers/hurts/upsets me though at some point they stop and are just staring at me pretending to listen

I miss his desire to “fix” my problem, I think it’s cute b/c he can’t help it

I miss being slightly upset because he wants to “fix” my problem when I really just want him to listen to it

I miss actually wanting him to “fix” my problem because sometimes his solution is better/more logical than my own

I miss him being mad at whoever upset me

I miss being held

I miss the touch of that special someone

I miss somebody caring about me on purpose

I miss being told that the part of my personality that I see as a flaw is something he enjoys

I miss being on the verge of getting mad with him and then a particular song plays and all is {{momentarily}} forgotten

I miss wrestling with him

I miss depending on someone {{even in the slightest way}} to make/keep me happy

I miss someone being dependent on me {{even in the slightest way}} to make/keep them happy

I miss someone appreciating the fact that I’m easy to please

Come back to me, please {{in the right form though}}

Love, Me